A Douchebag’s Drinking Guide To Sydney

Recently, while on one of my trademark rants during a sailing lesson, one of my students noticed the ridiculous frequency with which I used the word ‘douchebag’ while describing the less agreeable inhabitants of Sydney’s bars and clubs. Furthermore, she jokingly suggested that I write a book entitled ‘A Douchebag’s Guide To Sydney’ – almost immediately, I began distractedly stroking my chin.

Now, colloquially, ‘douchebag’ has lost some of its nauseating meaning, having insidiously crept into my vocabulary after years of bombardment from American shows and films (only the U.S. would conceive of such a disgusting tool). So, taking the word in its proper, modern context, let me show you where to go and what to do if you want to be among the Sydney (and probably Australian) douchebag elite.

Drink ‘Asahi’, ‘Extra Dry’, ‘Hahn’s Super-Dry’ or ‘Pure Blonde’: Never in the field of human drinking has so much shite been drunk by so few. Yes, the aforementioned beers are among the most tasteless and least beer-like in the world (and yes, I have had Miller Lite, Bud Lite and Natural Ice Lite, they aren’t even close). As if drinking this foul-tasting, yellow soda-water wasn’t bad enough, the latter beer in the list is a low-carbohydrate beer from 2004 that attempted to lure the fairer sex into the not-hard-to-please Australian beer market. It worked, embarrassingly and disgracefully, on the men too. Reasonable Ozzy beers, like VB and Resch’s have been marginalized

Order ‘Wet Pussy’, ‘Cowboy, ‘QF’ or ‘Jam Doughnut’ Shots…if you are a man: Australia’s international reputation goes before it – the uber-macho culture that has either occurred as a result of, or is the cause of, its undisputed dominance as the greatest sporting nation in the world. Yes, Bruce the beer-willing Aussie can wrestle crocodiles while drinking a beer (a real one, that is) and watching the cricket. In reality, you have these beefed-up, testosterone-fuelled guys swaggering up to the bar – Pure Blonde in hand – flanked by at least two equally large cronies. After announcing over both shoulders to his buddies that he plans to get ‘blind’, the standard order comes over the bar ’3 wet-pussies, thanks’. Now, hold on; half vodka, half peach-schnapps, a dash of lime and cranberry juice? Shouldn’t you guys be ordering battery acid? at least something that an old lady wouldn’t sip before her afternoon-tea. It seems that the only shots that people order (in general, obviously you have you tequilas and jaeger-bombs) either have Bailey’s in them or are about as masculine as a glass of Pimm’s in a pink Champagne glass. Yes, I rate this tendency at about 7.9 on the douchebag scale.

The silent mantra of the douchebag

Ordering top-shelf booze with mixers: Yes, this one is rampant worldwide but Sydney must boast the worst offenders-list. Ordering a $45 dollar scotch with coke is just an embarrassment for all involved – stop being a douchebag! Don’t order Grey Goose with mineral water – if you do this then you are a cretin.

Ordering ‘Cuba Libre’ or other such things: A ‘Cuba Libre’ is a rum and coke with a slice of lime. What motivates people to order the asshole-version of this? A ‘Screwdriver’ is vodka and orange juice.

Going to the ‘Cock and Bull’ or ‘Tea Gardens’: If your go to either of these places you are a bona fide douchebag.

Ordering anything with ‘fresh lime’: After several fist-clenching spasms – narrowly avoiding a series of strokes – I eventually forgave the tendency for Sydney-siders to order vodka soda with ‘fresh lime’ (mainly due to the Irish apes’ inclination to put cordial into their drinks), but for any other drink this is unacceptable. Order a piece of lime, arsehole.

My gripes with many peoples’  drinking habits in Sydney, are of course, too numerous to recount here. However, I need to recommend a few places to booze in the great city (obviously not exhaustive!):

Eye Bar: 3.50 drinks and free pizza until 8am – I defy you to beat that (cocktails are questionable though)

Shady Pines: Probably the best bar in Sydney overall. American-Style Saloon – an awesome place!

Bar Century: $3 drinks….need I say more?

Flinders: Good atmosphere and good music!

Sugarmill: Best $10 steak in Sydney!

The Docks: Get you pockitpal and head down here ($3 dollar drinks) right on Darling Harbour!

Dr. Pong’s, Gaslight Inn and Pocket Bar: All close together and all pretty damn cool!

Balmain: A lot of cool pubs here – Bald Rock Inn, The London, The Welcome and the Commerical in particular.

Coronation Bar: Cheap drinks 24/7.

Cheers: Where everbody knows your name (if you are a regular) but are glad if you go regardless. An absolute gem.